Sew glad

Sometimes I just want to do something new. I put pressure on myself to do something because others around me are doing them. I just want to do something to prove to myself that I can do it. I have been having those kinds of experiences lately. And I think in the midst of such an activity, why am I doing this? An example would be in the pillow top that I "needed" to sew together. Once sewn, I knew I would not be happy with it. The truth is that it is now filed under done vs. guilt until done. Or why did I feel the need to volunteer myself to help with the huge project under way at the church this season? How did I get myself into this mess?

Becoming aware of the motives that I have in actions that I take has been huge. Why do I feel the need to send out over 100 christmas cards? Will everyone just suddenly revolt if I stop? Will the world come to an end if I don't give out the full size snicker bars at Halloween this year? I don't have the answers to those questions, but I'd be willing to bet that it doesn't really matter. Most of things that I stress about are just trivial and have their root in other subliminal fear that I don't want to name.

Take, for instance, the fear that my son is carrying around my genetic anomalies. I hate that for him. I hate it for my oldest child. I didn't mean to pass it on. I didn't even know that I could. The mommy guilt could eat me alive on this one. The good news is that it has abated for my mom since she has stopped thinking it was due to lead paint exposure during her pregnancy.

But I digress. The point is that I have taken up sewing. I am going to sew whatever I want whenever I can get a moment. I am doing it because I want to do it. I am doing it because I have caught the bug. You know, the bug that we catch when we find a new crafty thing to do. And sewing will outlive me if I construct it with quality materials. And there is another reason I do things...to be remembered.

every day

Thanks be to God that it isn't all about me anymore over here. When I am sick I have lots of friends (again, thank God) that call and write and come over. They want to be supportive and ask me about my health. Sometimes it helps talk about it. However, it is time to stop focusing on the problem of my health and just live my life. That is not to say that I am through taking care of myself. I'm just going to do it and try to shut up about it. No one wants to hear complaints about the body. Yes, I am vomitous in the a.m. Yes, my periods are weird and I am very moody. I have my share of aches and pains. I'm pretty sure no one is getting in line to listen. It's not easy, but the joy of everyday is returning to my heart.

Tired, but not sleeping

My numbers are showing up in the "normal" range. My temperature is starting to regulate and I'm not burning up all the time. But my moods are worse. Food seems to play a major role in it, too. I'm tired, exhausted even and yet I can't calm down and lay down and go to sleep. Part of the problem is worry over bothering my husband while getting in and out of the bed. Part of the problem is concerning myself about the medicine I take at night to go to sleep. I was trying to lower the dosage and I think it was too low. Also, I wonder about how my menstrual cycle plays into all this. Normally, would I be having trouble sleeping anyway? The moon is full. I don't know. Just some confused musings from an overtired pup.